Fear is a strong thing. It can motivate us or paralyze us, depending on how well we are equipped to deal with it and handle life as it if thrown at us.

I must be the most motionless person in all creation.

Thinking back on my post from last night, a thought came to me: What am I afraid of — food? Why would I allow that kind of power over me. The “mindless eating” thing makes me wonder what I would do if I really faced what I was doing. It’s obvious that I’m not doing that now, but I cannot see why I’m not. Have I given up on all the hard challenges in front of me? I doubt that. Finishing college is a difficult thing for anyone to handle, especially with costs going up all over and wages… well, not. This fitness thing should be nothing and in a way I suppose it is. It is nothing until I start obsessing over it, much like I am now.

So why not do something about it? I still can’t figure it… so maybe I should leave it up to the invisible audience out there who may or may not actually have read this far. What say you?! Let me know.

BTW, I took this Purity Test (this is so NSFW) that was referred to me off a mailing list… I scored
91.4% pure. I’m not sure that at my age, that’s really a good thing.

Ok, so about 1 1/2 years ago, I joined Weight Watchers at the behest of my doctor to lose weight. Fine, fair enough.

It all started smoothly enough I think, but for the last year I really haven’t been getting anywhere. And I started thinking the title question to myself in relation to the money that I’ve been spending and the time to go to meetings in rooms full of strangers — usually all middle-aged housewives — and sit like you’re in Driver’s Ed and listen to “the leader” talk about a given topic for the week. I’ve sat through a few different leaders lately, trying to see if there was one that really connected with me… and there isn’t. One just talked about her cat all the time; another one kept looking at me in mock pity whenever one of the other attendees mentioned their husband/significant other (I was the only male in the building).

But the biggest truth of all of this is that I really never wanted to figure out why I’m doing it. From an intellectual standpoint I know all the positives for losing the weight but I am failing to connect with myself emotionally to find the drive I need to push through it and see myself through the program.

I think a part of it comes from feeling like I have to do it alone. Even in a room of other people trying for a healthier life, I feel completely isolated. I suppose it’s just an extension of how I’ve been my whole life. As a kid, I buried myself in books at all hours of the day. Later, that was substituted by the Internets and other various electronic distractions. Even now as I’m typing this, I can’t get away from being by myself. I’m sitting on campus in an isolated corner of the library. I shut myself off from the world to be alone with my thoughts. Why?

I suppose I think they’re too dark and personal to share with anyone, but if that were the case, would I really be putting them down here for all the world to see? Probably not, since I usually pretty sure that no one reads this anyway.

Once again, alone in a crowd… but I digress a bit. Back to the weight thing.

I often think the issue might if I’m content with where I am in terms of poundage. I never really give it a lot of thought, I suppose. Maybe that’s the problem… mindless eating, not being in the moment with the food, if that makes any sense. I could try to vow that I will be better with my food selections and portions, but I’d forget in the morning anyway.

Maybe I lack accountability with my weight loss. I obviously can’t be accountable to myself, as that hasn’t worked. I don’t really feel beholden to the folks at Weight Watchers either. My parents are now about 1700 miles away from me, but even when they only lived down the freeway, I didn’t feel accountable. My brother’s fit as a fiddle and he may also be moving soon… and I won’t deal with my sister on that front. Once again, we come back to isolation.

My, my, how I have rambled on about this. I’d like to say I have something upbeat to end this post with, but that’s life. I’ll be better some other time.

So here I was, all signed up to play in my first major tournament on PokerStars, along with a lot of other bloggers. I was psyched, I was ready, I was in the zone….

I overslept and missed the tourney!

I cannot believe that. I must be on crack to have missed a shot at freerolling into the World Series of Poker (Vegas, baby!) and getting my poker-playing n00b ass kicked by the best in the world.

Now, I’ll admit, I’m not the greatest poker player on this planet (or any other… there, are you happy, Rigel VII??!!), but I felt like I’ve progressed to a point where I can give this a shot. And what the heck, it’s free, right? And I get to hopefully test my skills against the likes of Wil Wheaton and Shane Nickerson.

In other news… nothing is happening. And thank goodness for a little down time. In my last now extremely old post (May 1 — ancient history in Internets time), I did say there was more to come. And there was. The play I was in has ended. Our production of The Importance of Being Earnest was a rousing success and I certainly would have blogged about it here had I remembered that no one ever actually reads it. :-p

After that, finals came and went. I got way more stressed about them than I really had to. I had a good batch of teachers this year and subjects that I really enjoyed. Only three more semesters to go (I hope) before I get that paper that says “Congratulations! You’ve graduated college… good luck paying back that $40K+ in student loans with a Theatre degree!!” My brother suggested just staying in school and that used to be a viable option, but thanks to certain changes at various governmental levels, that’s becoming far more difficult than it is worth. Well, we’ll see, and then we’ll know.

I had the most boring non-event birthday I think I ever had. It fell on the Saturday after finals this year, but it was between my graveyard shifts at work. So my birthday consisted of getting off of work, sleeping, waking up to have lunch with the folks, back to bed, back up and to work again. I got three cards, some money, an email and a very thoughtful text message. Yay.

Okay, enough depression. Got me some slackin’, some unpackin’ (3 months after moving into my new place) and basically… it’s time to get crackin’.

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 9722285