This year, May has been a strange month of highs and lows.

First the good news. More and more of my goals for 2010 are falling into place. I’ve booked some work that I can’t talk a lot about yet but I’m very excited for. I have a table read for one them tomorrow, so I’ll actually hear what it sounds like.

Socially, things are improving a little. I went to a couple of differents parties in the first half of the month. Despite coming across sometimes as overly stoic and a fuddy-duddy (Wow… who says that anymore? That’s right, this guy.), I had a really good time. I did figure for certain that likes a more laid back do with just a few friends and fun conversation as opposed to being at a bar with loud music. But I still highly recommend the piano bar Howl At The Moon at Universal CityWalk if you’re into some incredibly skilled live music. Their house musicians really put on a good show!

And now for the lows and a commentary to respond.

My uncle, who was largely a father figure for my brother and I for a number of years, had a pretty bad heart attack at the top of the month, which killed some of my buzz leading up to my birthday. That was a very lonely day, made better by talking to him on the phone and knowing he was recovering quite nicely and quickly. He was even on his way home. But it wasn’t enough because he died a couple of days later from complications. When my brother gave me the news I was stunned, not from denial but because I couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. I cried a bit, but I was angry. Not angry at my uncle for dying or at God for taking him too soon, but at myself. I was mad that I hadn’t gotten off my ass and called him sooner — before his heart attack, as I had meant to. It wasn’t as though I was truly too busy to take the time to call. (I could go on about that, but I won’t.) It didn’t help that when I was discussing travel arrangements with family members, one of them* actually suggested that I not go to Wyoming for the funeral. Now to be fair, I could see their point as I really had no money and no vehicle to make the trip. Fortunately, everything got sorted so I was able to be there. And then the other punch hit.

After the memorial service, the whole extended family had a meal together at a nice restaurant. While in line for the salad bar, I was talking to a (different) family member* about some day job prospects that had come my way as I was traveling up to Wyoming. We talked a little about how those jobs might impact my acting career and the trade-offs. Then they actually posed to the possibility that I might not be better off getting a regular job in another city and keeping acting as a hobby. I was stunned by this, but hid it as a managed to blurt out a seemingly confident “no” and proceeded to sprinkle a spoonful burning death on my salad.

The rest of the visit was positive, but what was said stuck with me for days afterward. Two people, whose opinions I value and often seek out, made it seem like they have no faith in my ability to survive and succeed in my chosen vocation. I talked quite a bit with other family members and appear to have a lot of support. My other uncle pointed out to me that I am really the only one in my whole family (incl. aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) daring to make a life in the arts. Most have been educators, doctors, lawyers, engineers and more than one has done military service. The fact that I’m something of a black sheep in this way could make some people think that I’m doing it to prove something or to make a point.

The simple answer is this — I am an actor. I don’t view it as a choice any more than someone who feels called to the priesthood, driven to a life of public service or passionate enough to want to take on a mountain of debt to learn to heal the sick. I’m good at a lot of things and if I chose to, I could be good at even more. But I’m better at this, so why should I not attempt to earn a living from practicing my art?

Today would have been my uncle’s birthday. In light of everything else, I had trouble moving through the day having lost one of my fans. I know he was proud that I made the choice to pursue my dreams (as he told me so on previous occasions) and so I decided today to recommit myself to the work.

I will keep moving forward. I will move on purpose.

Besides, I’m pretty sure that if I don’t Uncle Bob will come back from the dead and kick my ass.

*Note: I have omitted the names of said family members in the interest of fairness. I’m not a catty person and I’m sure what was said was out of love and concern.